Can you tell I’m faking it? But I want to be myself
A counterfeit disposition
Can’t be good for my health
So many different faces
Depending on the different phases
My personality changes
I’m a chameleon
There’s more than one dimension
I can fool you and attract attention
Camouflage my nature
Let me demonstrate…

Makeup’s all off
Who am I?
Magic’s in the make up
Who am I?

If you bore me then I’m comfortable
If you interest me I’m scared
My attraction paralyzes me
No courage to show my true colors that exist
But I want to be the real thing
But if you catch my eye can’t be authentic
The one’s I loath are the one’s that know me the best

My makeup’s all off
Who am I?
The magic’s in the make up
Who am I?

The makeup’s all off
Who am I?
If the magic’s in the make up
Then who am I?
Magic’s in the makeup
But I want to be real the thing
But the magic’s in the makeup
And I want to be the real thing

My makeup’s all off
Who am I?

Just this part:

I just wanna throw my

———————————————————

I’m wide awake
Yeah, I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart
I’m wide awake
How did I read the stars so wrong

I’m wide awake
And now it’s clear to me
That everything you see
Ain’t always what it seems
I’m wide awake
Yeah, I was dreaming for so long

I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn’t dive in
Wouldn’t bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
Till I woke up on
On the concrete

Falling from cloud nine
Crashing from the high
I’m letting go tonight

I’m wide awake
Not losing any sleep
I picked up every piece
And landed on my feet
I’m wide awake
Need nothing to complete myself

I’m wide awake
Yeah, I am born again
Outta the lion’s den
I don’t have to pretend
And it’s too late

I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn’t dive in
Wouldn’t bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
Till I woke up on
On the concrete

Falling from cloud nine
Crashing from the high
I’m letting go tonight

Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling
I am trying to hold on
God knows that I tried
Seeing the bright side
I’m not blind anymore…..I’m wide awake

When I look at me, why is it I think of you?

Seems like I have no universe without you

My world’s been so dark; full of lots of uncertainty

I think about how we could have had it all

But we both messed it up

So many, many times

Both guilty of leading a selfish kind of love

I really tried; I wanted to give you it all

And I know in some ways, you did too

I can’t be mad, or least not as mad as I am

Seems to me, like there were misunderstandings that we had

And I got on my knees, I begged us to work it out

But we both knew we’d just end up begging again

How is it that we could want it so much,

But realize we have nothing at all?

After a seven-year rollercoaster ride

It feels so strange to be on level ground

I take my heart to the road

Like it’s free for the taking

I still hope it can be found

You were my strength

All my security

Now there is nothing but doubt

You said without you

I’d be lonely, broke and miserable

I guess we’re about to find out

Two stubborn hearts

Going out on their own

Do you think you’ll ever look back?

Maybe in time, it will become so much clearer

You’ll have more regrets; and I will have less

You’ll look in the mirror and wish I was there

And I’ll start to see my own face once again

In the deepest place in my heart

I know I wish you the best

But it is hard, and I want you to see

That life is not better without me

In this cold winter sky

There’s a night full of stars

There’s someone new standing here

And a future to look towards

I will walk forward

Toward the opportunity

And one day the past

Will just feel like a dream

But I will try to tuck away the good memories

And take to heart all you taught me

If I see you again

I promise I will smile bright

I won’t let bitterness take my life

Maybe you’re always gonna be

A big part of me

And that’s fine

As long as I’m part of you too

Say what you want

But I know you’re gonna miss me

Memories catch up to you in the dark

I have my lessons to learn

So I’ll move forward

Life is full of possibilities

And I’ll try to see myself instead of you.

I’ve been stuck on 90s music lately, and this is one of those songs that when you hear it, you’re like, yes, I feel the emotional connection immediately. Say whatever you want to about Mariah Carey, but she definitely has that powerful voice that is easy to connect to. And I researched this song, and she actually wrote it. I was impressed; I always assumed people shoved songs at her, I didn’t know she really wrote any of her songs.

I like this part:

You might say that it’s over
You might say that you don’t care, oh
You might say you don’t miss me
You don’t need me
But I know that you do
And I feel that you do inside, oh

I have reason to believe lately that my ex does miss me and has some bitter feelings towards our breakup. Which is kinda nice to know that he actually cares and feels a loss too. I didn’t really want to be the only one.

————————————————————————————————————————————-

I had it all
But I let it slip away
Couldn’t see I treated you wrong
Now I wander around
Feeling down and cold
Trying to believe that you’re gone

Love takes time to heal when you’re hurting so much
Couldn’t see that I was blind to let you go
I can’t escape the pain inside
‘Cause love takes time
I don’t wanna be here
I don’t wanna be here alone

Losing my mind
From this hollow in my heart
Suddenly I’m so incomplete, yeah
Lord I’m needing you now
Tell me how to stop the rain
Tears are falling down endlessly, oh

Love takes time to heal when you’re hurting so much
Couldn’t see that I was blind to let you go
I can’t escape the pain inside
‘Cause love takes time
And I don’t wanna be here
I don’t wanna be here alone

You might say that it’s over
You might say that you don’t care, oh
You might say you don’t miss me
You don’t need me
But I know that you do
And I feel that you do inside, oh

Love takes time to heal when you’re hurting so much
Couldn’t see that I was blind to let you go
I can’t escape the pain inside
‘Cause love takes time
I don’t wanna be there
I don’t wanna be there alone, oh

I’d like to start with the back story of how this whole thing happened. I’m sure you would like to know the entire saga of how I came to end my 7-year relationship and ended up single living in a living room in glorious Redwood City, California at 29 years of age. I’m sure you would like to know every little detail about the fighting and the pleading and the crying. But it is all too much right now.

I mean, that is what I pay my therapist for. We sit in a tiny little room and she makes me attach a microphone to my lapel and we discuss all the issues. Mainly how my ex-boyfriend is an asshole and I’m pretty sure he was cheating on me. I mean, when you find text messages and Facebook messages that have him saying “I miss you” to a co-worker, and she’s sending him kissy face icons back, I’m pretty sure I’d be a moron to listen to him when he says that it’s all just innocent fun, and she has a sense of humor, and I don’t. Well, forgive me for not laughing hysterically but I just didn’t really find the whole thing all that funny. The thing is, I almost did just brush it off. It would have been easier for me to just shrug it off, and act like nothing was wrong at all. I could have had a lot more financial security and the sick illusion of a fully in-tact love life. The delusional side of me just really wanted to go for it. But then there was that damn voice. That little voice inside my head that told me that I couldn’t live a lie. It told me that I needed to put on my Dick Tracey hat and fully investigate the situation. So, like an idiot, I listened it to it, found more evidence proving my theory that I was in love with a cheating bastard, and moved out the very same night. If only it was that easy and that was the end of the story, or even the beginning of the story. Then, I would feel like I had you all caught up.

But you see, like most good sagas, this is an endless story of love, loss, and pain. And it isn’t really the point of this blog. I could sit here and examine the relationship. Tell you all of the problems we had, like how I wanted to get married and he didn’t. Like how all my friends and family hated him. How we’d been growing distant for quite a long time because he was always working and wouldn’t invite along on his business trips, even when I could have gone.

But who has time for that? People keep telling me that I need to move on… carpe diem and all that great stuff. People keep telling me that I am going to be so much better without him. And while these people don’t seem to understand the fragile state of my heart and how I can honestly say that I fully loved that man every single day for seven years, I guess there is really no other choice but to try to mend this broken heart. They say that time heals all wounds. I feel like I don’t even have the time that takes. I feel like life around me is moving at light speed and I need to just close my eyes and jump onto the rocketship before it takes off without me.

So, I wake up everyday, put on my big girl pants and go to work. I also try to make sure that I have plans every single day so that my mind is occupied. I know that I if I give in to my urge to dissect this entire situation and miss my ex, I am going to just hurt. I kinda don’t see the point. It’s like a bad Taylor Swift song. We are never getting back together. So, acceptance is the first step of recovery.

Don’t get me wrong. I pray every night for God or Buddha or Ala or the universe or Gwen Stefani (I’m not really that picky) to send my ex back to me. But I realize I am praying for a changed version of him. And, even this delusional girl knows that my stubborn ex-boyfriend is never going to change. Or admit to his faults. Or apologize to me. And really, I can’t talk to him again without some kind of apology. I may have horrible self-esteem, but I know I deserve that much. So, while I pray, I know it is impossible. And I know moving on is what has to happen.

So this is a blog on how the whole moving on process is going (or if it suddenly hits a lack of momentum).  I didn’t really write this to be an inspiration or a motivational tool. I should probably re-title this and call it WARNING: The Tragedies of a Hot Hot Mess. But I was going for a more positive attitude that involves healing and moving forward.

So far, this includes episodes of serial dating, which is both confidence boosting and soul draining. I have only been single and dating for two months now, and I can already tell you, I really suck at it. And that I really don’t understand men. And for every date I’ve gone on that made me feel better, there have been like three more that have made me feel like shit. Not sure dating is helping to mend the broken heart. Not so much faith here. But there’s that damn little voice again that tells me that I have to keep getting out there and keep trying. I think this is probably the same voice that’s tied in with my biological clock, but thank god I haven’t heard any ticking yet.

Dating is a fun social experiment. It really is. The thing about me though, is I am the ultimate dreamer who really believes in lasting love and I become very consumed by the idea of it. I feel like life is truly nothing without love and I feel the need to work really hard to find the love that makes me feel good. It may sound sweet, but I have also been told I am co-dependent and have watched one too many chick flicks, so who knows. I’d like to say I am looking forward to this time as a great pursuit for finding true love. But the truth is, I am not looking forward to anything. I am merely just trying to survive my broken heart.